Mah Fucked Up Head
Yes, I know I ramble on. But hey… if I crash and die on the way to San Fran, at least I got this posted without violating FAA rules.
I asked a question of my internet friends and pals via Formspring concerning masks. The exact question was:
Everyone wears masks. Do you prefer life behind your masks, or are you itching to shed those masks?
So, in fairness… my answer.
I live life behind my masks. I don’t prefer it, necessarily, but it has become a survival mechanism…. or maybe I’m just fooling myself and my masks are what I use to keep my distance from people who I don’t, as a rule, relate to very well. I know I used to be worried about offending people with my real self, but I’m not worried about that anymore (well, not so much.) Now, I just keep the masks up out of habit and convenience. I suspect (or pretend, probably) that most people would be scared away if I were completely, honestly true.
Well, actually… I’m worried that the people I give a damn about will be scared away. No offense, rest of the world, but I could give a crap what you think about me. You do not matter in my life, I do not care about you. I’m probably a true sociopath in that way; I just… don’t… care… what happens to people I have no vested interest in. If you recoil in horror, so be it… but the few people that I like… yeah, those I don’t care to lose.
…yeah, yeah. I know. I’m supposed to be living up to FIP. I am trying, remember? But some things, they need to be eased into. Revealing my true self is one of those things. I mean… if you know me, you know that my mask can slip, and… wonder of wonders… I don’t think I’ve terrified anyone that I care about. But even when my masks are slipping I hang on to some shreds of humanity civility normality.
But (as the president would say) let me be clear. I am not lying, per se. The masks aren’t me pretending to be something I am not so much as they are subduing certain aspects of what I am like (he says as the semantics meter pegs.) I just… figure that it is easier this way.
…..but.
I am finding that every time the masks slip, I feel…. good. I feel great, actually. No, fuck that. I feel wonderful. I feel real and powerful and fucking deliciously deviant and feral and all of those good things that I suspect no one who is tied to normality ever, ever feels.
So then… why bother with masks? I’m currently reviewing that question in my head, and wondering how the brainmeat that is usually so logical decided to create such an illogical situation.
March 24th, 2010 at 1:53 am
I think the thing that I worry about most is that people won't like me as much in person as they do online. The person I am here is me. Mostly unfiltered me. I'm much quieter in person. I spent some time with an online acquaintance and I ended up really upsetting her with my impassive face. I grew up in an environment with some alcoholism and abuse. So I developed a really calm and expressionless facade. I'm thinking and feeling all sorts of things, but you can't guess it from my face. While sometimes it pisses people off because it seems like I'm being distant, In some ways it's been really useful. For example, many times I've been upset or flustered on the job, but later I have people tell me that I'm some kind of robot or something and they couldn't imagine staying calm in the same situation. I was probably far from calm. I'm good at faking it. So I guess this is my mask.
March 25th, 2010 at 2:44 am
I get the same thing sometimes. Mostly, I get "you're so quiet in person."
I still don;t give away much of importance, even online. This isn't me either, this is the me that I want you to see.
Or rather, the me that I am comfortable with people seeing.
March 25th, 2010 at 4:57 pm
But it's still a facet of you, I suppose. If it means anything, I like the "you" that I know. It's my hope that if we, and Jennie too of course, ever met up irl I hope we'd have a good time together.
March 26th, 2010 at 7:11 am
Yes, it means quite a bit. Thank you.