Confession Thursday – Social Anxiety & Mental Gymnastics
Despite having come a long way in a relatively short time, I still find it difficult to actually go out and socialize.
Okay, so here’s the way it usually works. I agree to go hang out with people and I am fine with it until the day I am supposed to go and socialize. Then I start to play with the idea of not going, complete with reasonable excuses as to why I could not make it. I start to get antsy, feel all self-defeating, wonder if I am actually welcome, wonder if my presence is going to be a burden. I start to suspect that the invite was more pity and courtesy than it was honest invite, and I half-convince myself that everyone would be happier if I just stayed home. I start mulling over any negative changes in body image, I concern myself about what is acceptable attire; will I show up under or overdressed? I wonder if I am going to get ditched (which has happened, so it isn’t exactly unfounded) and weigh the disappointment of staying home with the much shittier feeling of getting stood up.
Then… I go.
Wait… what?
Yeah, I go. See, I don’t like to be a flake. I know I will not flake unless I absolutely have to do so for real, honest reasons. So if I say I’ll go somewhere or do something, I’ll follow through. I can’t stand the feeling of getting stood up, so I try not to stand other people up. I guess you could say that I play my own personal honor against my social insecurity, and my honor wins the battle.
I didn’t always do that, though. There was a short… erm… 10 year period… where I just did not go out. I still didn’t flake very much, but that’s because I never promised to do anything in the first place. Honor maintained, but social insecurity totally inflated and exacerbated. It was, in retrospect, a fucking retarded thing to do to myself. I mean… past self-deception aside, I really do like being around people I dig. I might still feel weird and awkward and out of place at times (okay, often) but I have fun and damn it, I’m working on that awkward bit too. I actually speak when I go out now. I mean… dude. 
But even still, it requires mental gymnastics to get to the point of actually going out and having fun.
Yes, I know. I’m a freak.
Enjoy Confession Thursday.
June 3rd, 2010 at 1:43 pm
I do the same thing. Everything you describe, about nitpicking on my appearance, coming up with good excuses, etc. I do that too. I mope around talking doom and gloom and saying how much I don't want to go [wherever] but then after I do, I end up thinking it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. In my situation, the social events I dread going to are my husband's annual workplace Christmas party. It's a formal event, and while part of me enjoys shopping for a formal gown and all the accessories that go with it, often the end result is not as glamorous as I'd like it to be. Mostly because I feel like I have to cover myself up more than is fashionable, and high heels are great to look at, but so uncomfortable.
June 3rd, 2010 at 3:01 pm
Holy shizz! This is awfully familiar. Your internal monologue is frighteningly similar to my own. Have we been drinking the same Kool-aid or what?
June 3rd, 2010 at 6:47 pm
High heels I have no experience in.
I've gone from "that wasn't so bad" to "I know it will probably be fun" and I realize I'm just a bit insane, but I cannot help it.
June 3rd, 2010 at 6:48 pm
Well, I think we drink at the same places, so it is quite possible it was in the water… or… oh no.
Do you drink gin?
June 3rd, 2010 at 6:56 pm
I'm a bourbon gal.
June 3rd, 2010 at 7:04 pm
Thank goodness! I was worried it was in the booze. O_O