Soulless & Feral

THIS POST IS NC-17! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Like that ever stops anyone.

I promised that as long as I was out of town on a Friday, I would post some pretty awesome Freak Flag Friday stuff. Now… I may have mentioned some of this in passing, but where I -have- mentioned it I will try to expand on the statement a little.

So, without further ado…

(more…)

My current project in applying the FIP to my real life is become more assertive when dealing with people. I have always been pretty… I dunno, can I be an asshole to myself and call me “wussy?” I can? Nice. I have always been kind of wussy when it comes to dealing with people in person. Those of you who have met me in person know that I am quiet and somewhat stand-offish when around a group of people… in fact, I prefer to let other people do the talking and I simply sit back and listen. It isn’t that I don’t have a whole lot to say, it’s just that I’m not comfortable saying the things that actually matter.

Okay, okay. Yeah. I am shy. I have suffered, and continue to suffer, from a lack of self confidence. Thanks for pointing that out.

So. I know this. I don’t like it. My choices are to do something about it, or to not do something about it. I am doing something about it. So, the little ways I have been more assertive (that I can think of:)

- Have you ever wandered around a store looking for something because you didn’t want to ask for help? Me too. Not anymore, though!
- I ask for food the way I want it, even if the option is not on the menu. All they can do is say no!
- I totally hugged a guy. To be fair, hugging a guy is probably easier than hugging a girl, though. Maybe I should hug some girls?

Yeah, yeah. Minor league, right?

Fair enough. I also:

- Got quite assertive in my professional life, where there was a situation that was not playing out how it should have. As in, took people outside and laid it out for them.
- Chose to stop bashing myself needlessly. End like, 20 years of needless garbage.
- Along those same lines, I have taken your compliments seriously for once.THANK YOU.
- Told some of my friends how much I appreciate them. I have not been good with the squishy emotions, traditionally.

I’m going to continue to work on these things. I mean… what is the point of putting FIP into print if I can’t use it to help myself too?

Speaking of. You CAN call me on it if I am being an idiot about these things. I may get pissy, but if you’re right I promise to apologize later.

Okay, so apparently I am arrogant. I suppose it depends on your definition of arrogant, though, because what some call arrogance I call abject competence and honesty. Different opinions, I suppose.

So, here’s a little bit of FIPtastic truth.

I don’t care.

No. Seriously. I don’t care.

Look. The world is full of people who are willing to accept wrong for right to make those self-important people of the world feel good about themselves. I was, until relatively recently in life, one of those people. For many reasons, though, barriers have been breaking down in my mind and I’m just more willing to stand up and say “fuck that shit” (though I do tend to be more diplomatic about it) when someone needs to stand up and say “fuck that shit.” I am willing to tell you when you are wrong. I will tell the truth if the truth needs to be told, even if the truth is going to suck ass.

I’m tired of playing the happy dance game and watching things that need doing never get done.

That’s not to say that I’m going to nitpick every time I disagree, or every time someone makes a mistake. I mean, why pick on someone whose scope of influence is self? When it bleeds over and causes issues for me though? Oh yes. I am going to confront people. I will say “sorry, but that is incorrect.” I will be arrogant, and damn your assessment.

So here’s… not a promise, but a goal. I will strive towards greater competence and more honestly when it comes to getting stuff done. I will continue to tell people they are wrong or they are messing up when they are… well… wrong or messing up. Don’t like it? Find someone else to ask.

Ha.

Yes, I know I ramble on. But hey… if I crash and die on the way to San Fran, at least I got this posted without violating FAA rules.

I asked a question of my internet friends and pals via Formspring concerning masks. The exact question was:

Everyone wears masks. Do you prefer life behind your masks, or are you itching to shed those masks?

So, in fairness… my answer.

I live life behind my masks. I don’t prefer it, necessarily, but it has become a survival mechanism…. or maybe I’m just fooling myself and my masks are what I use to keep my distance from people who I don’t, as a rule, relate to very well. I know I used to be worried about offending people with my real self, but I’m not worried about that anymore (well, not so much.) Now, I just keep the masks up out of habit and convenience. I suspect (or pretend, probably) that most people would be scared away if I were completely, honestly true.

Well, actually… I’m worried that the people I give a damn about will be scared away. No offense, rest of the world, but I could give a crap what you think about me. You do not matter in my life, I do not care about you. I’m probably a true sociopath in that way; I just… don’t… care… what happens to people I have no vested interest in. If you recoil in horror, so be it… but the few people that I like… yeah, those I don’t care to lose.

…yeah, yeah. I know. I’m supposed to be living up to FIP. I am trying, remember? But some things, they need to be eased into. Revealing my true self is one of those things. I mean… if you know me, you know that my mask can slip, and… wonder of wonders… I don’t think I’ve terrified anyone that I care about. But even when my masks are slipping I hang on to some shreds of humanity civility normality.

But (as the president would say) let me be clear. I am not lying, per se. The masks aren’t me pretending to be something I am not so much as they are subduing certain aspects of what I am like (he says as the semantics meter pegs.) I just… figure that it is easier this way.

…..but.

I am finding that every time the masks slip, I feel…. good. I feel great, actually. No, fuck that. I feel wonderful. I feel real and powerful and fucking deliciously deviant and feral and all of those good things that I suspect no one who is tied to normality ever, ever feels.

So then… why bother with masks? I’m currently reviewing that question in my head, and wondering how the brainmeat that is usually so logical decided to create such an illogical situation.

After some thought and evaluation, I think I am going to ditch the Shamrock Half Marathon. Between injuries and interruptions, I am just not going to have enough time to run the race. That isn’t to say that I am giving up on the half marathon idea. I’m simply delaying it until later, when I feel I am ready to tackle a 12 mile run. I could probably push 7 miles if I tried right now, but I want to do well and I want to feel like I met my goal… neither of which I am going to be able to do by March 21st.

Considering my current motivation as far as distance running is concerned, this is probably a good thing. I am always, ALWAYS off peak in the winter. I can push through, but the combination of short-ass days and the cold (and delicious holiday food) make keeping in peak-for-me shape difficult as hell.  It’s a personal issue, and I’m getting better at managing it… but I still have not figured out that magical formula that will push me through the shit winter months without lagging.

So, to summarize: Shamrock Half Marathon <– Cancelled. 12 mile run <– Not cancelled, but delayed. I may shoot for the Rock and Roll Half. We shall see.

So… plan scrapped, moving on, working on training program to fit my current needs.

FIP Exam Tip: Applied FIP Principle in this case is honesty to one’s self and acceptance of personal responsibility. It is a minor personal failure to have to scrap the plan, but a bigger failure would be to continue on and give it a half-assed effort.

FIP Exam Tip 2: Recognizing one’s undesirable traits as undesirable is the first step to fixing them.  The second step is proactive action.

On the bright side, this means I can ditch the current training model and go with what I’ve been planning on doing after March 21st anyway! I’m going to go back to interval / speed training. I’m kinda… really… slow at the moment. I’d like to get back to running sub 8 minute miles, at the very least. I’m no speed demon, but I can be better than I am now.

Enough.

Let’s talk about school and certifications. I am (to reject humility and wallow in pride) fucking AWESOME when it comes to studying. I am about a week and some change ahead of schedule with my “12 in 12″ plan, with two of the planned 12 tests already passed and out of the way. I suspect I might actually be ready for the next one in three weeks, putting me WELL ahead of schedule.  This, of course, leads into my goal of being rich. While tech certs alone will not make me independently wealthy, they work to get me into a place where I have money to risk on further acceleration.

So far, I’ve done the 70-646 course (a harder course in the AD* of life) and Security+ (a test that proved that since I rejected the idea of taking it 3 years ago, I have become many times more awesome) with 70-640, 70-642, and 70-647 in my definite future.

Enough.

Work? Work is work. If you’ve talked to me before, you know you will get fuck-all in the way of complaints or compliments out of me about work… at least online.

More? More later. I have a lot to say, but it has to wait until I have less projects in the works.