Soulless & Feral

Despite having come a long way in a relatively short time, I still find it difficult to actually go out and socialize.

Okay, so here’s the way it usually works. I agree to go hang out with people and I am fine with it until the day I am supposed to go and socialize. Then I start to play with the idea of not going, complete with reasonable excuses as to why I could not make it. I start to get antsy, feel all self-defeating, wonder if I am actually welcome, wonder if my presence is going to be a burden. I start to suspect that the invite was more pity and courtesy than it was honest invite, and I half-convince myself that everyone would be happier if I just stayed home. I start mulling over any negative changes in body image, I concern myself about what is acceptable attire; will I show up under or overdressed? I wonder if I am going to get ditched (which has happened, so it isn’t exactly unfounded) and weigh the disappointment of staying home with the much shittier feeling of getting stood up.

Then… I go.

Wait… what?

Yeah, I go. See, I don’t like to be a flake. I know I will not flake unless I absolutely have to do so for real, honest reasons. So if I say I’ll go somewhere or do something, I’ll follow through. I can’t stand the feeling of getting stood up, so I try not to stand other people up. I guess you could say that I play my own personal honor against my social insecurity, and my honor wins the battle.

I didn’t always do that, though. There was a short… erm… 10 year period… where I just did not go out. I still didn’t flake very much, but that’s because I never promised to do anything in the first place. Honor maintained, but social insecurity totally inflated and exacerbated. It was, in retrospect, a fucking retarded thing to do to myself. I mean… past self-deception aside, I really do like being around people I dig. I might still feel weird and awkward and out of place at times (okay, often) but I have fun and damn it, I’m working on that awkward bit too. I actually speak when I go out now. I mean… dude. But even still, it requires mental gymnastics to get to the point of actually going out and having fun.

Yes, I know. I’m a freak.

Enjoy Confession Thursday.

A great question by @Snowfire11 via Twitter! This is the sort of thing I like to answer.

Do you think you would be friends with yourself? i.e. If you met yourself…well, a self identical to you…do you think you would get along with them?

Wow. I want to say yes, but I suspect that the answer is no. See, I have met people who share some of my mental traits and know that depending on the traits they share, I either like or dislike that person instinctively. I have a lot of bad habits that I picked up using the Internet as my primary means of friendship that translate over into real world interaction that just don’t work well. For example, I am used to conversing in parallel; I can start responding online while someone is still writing. In real life, that just does not work out too well; I come across (and rightfully so) and interrupt-y and rude.

If I were talking to me, that might shut down our getting along right there.

I also have a tendency to stick to people that I know, even in social settings. I suspect that I come across as stand-offish when I do, but it is more of a comfort thing. If I were doing that to me, though, I would probably take it as, well, stand-offish and rude and I would respond in kind.

Lastly, I tend to be overly sensitive when it comes to what I perceive as disses and insults when it is either completely unwarranted or it comes from someone I actually like. I would likely give myself the impression of having been dismissive and insulting and, as I would be someone who I could relate to, it would bother me more because I would want to be liked (and like) me.

The best part? I have issues communicating my anger, so I would continue on not liking me and neither of me would communicate that fact.

Excellent question!

Just a quick note: The Ferals Pre-Application is live. If you’ve ever wanted to be a superhero, you should join us!

I will be screening the apps and filling seeing what sort of team we can form given the materials at hand.

I’ve been composing my new “things to do / accomplish” list in my head, and one of the more frivolous items on the list is to visit and spend at least a few hours exploring all 50 states. My criteria? The visit to the state can’t be a quick travel stop or an overnight with no exploration (so no rest area breaks or hotel sleep & drives,) and it can’t be in a  ”culture neutral” zone (so no airport or train station exploration.  To the right is my list of real, honest to goodness visited states.

If I were to, say, include all of the states I’d been through, my map would look more like this other map. Driving through isn’t really visiting, though, so I can’t see including those states in my total. It looks like I have 15 so far… 35 states left to go!

So… I couldn’t wait. I just could not do it. I got some nifty new Vibram KSOs today to avoid the lovely sandpapering of my feet when I run on the beach. Given that a) I had something new and b) I actually want to get back to running, I decided to do an easy mile to give them a spin.

Initial thoughts?

They aren’t exactly like barefoot running, but they’re damn close. I can already see that they’ll take some getting used to, but this may be the perfect compromise between absolutely bare feet (and the bloody pain that brings) and running in full shoes.

I guess, though, that one might be wondering why I would run barefoot in the first place.

Simply put? It’s a hell of a calf and ankle workout. I can’t seem to get the calf workouts right at the gym (either that, or I’m just doing it wrong) so the sting of barefoot running is a way to double up on tasks. Running? Check. Calves and ankles? Check. If I could do it, I’d just run barefoot and leave even the Vibrams at home. Alas, while asphalt is giving enough, people tend to leave broken things and scraps on it and every other surface. Rather than scrape and cut my feet, I’ll settle for the middle ground.

I don’t feel that it’s fair to review the… sandals? Shoes? Foot condoms? Just yet, so I’ll leave that for later. First impression, though? Great.